Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
