I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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