if you like me you must not know who I am
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
