Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
