Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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