Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
