I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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