She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
