Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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