I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
