tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
