I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm always down for nudity.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
