Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
