Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
