the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
