Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
