In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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