He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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