How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
