no, he came in my armpit
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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