the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
soo... how was my night?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
