I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
