I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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