The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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