i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
