I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
