did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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