so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
