I feel like abortions should bother me more
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she told me i tasted like america
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
