I heard we made out
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
