Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
