professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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