I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My hand turned me down
People in love make me want to vomit
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
