OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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