My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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