nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
