Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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