Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
