i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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