Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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