I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
