There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
