This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
