apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
