so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
