it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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