i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
