remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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