I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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