Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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