There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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