How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Pooping to opera.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
