so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
