She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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