apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
