I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
