Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
