Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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